Log in

No account? Create an account


I'm just oing to stab myself in the eye with a needle over and over and over again.

It's about as much fun as editing/rewriting.

I hate everything. >_>


Oct. 4th, 2009

First snowfall of winter today. :D

Christmas came early. I love snow.



So, I found myself having an epiphiny as I knelt in a pawn shop today.

I've been struggling for a long time on my book project. As a writer, I'm a perfectionist. I have to be the best in my age group, in the people that I consider "below me." I catagorize writers, and I find myself very competative and I get angry when someone chalenges my catagories. So today, I stood in chapters with my friend, who informed me someone I went to Junior High with was publishing a book. I became instantly enraged, though I found out that she's publishing her book through her highschool publisher. I rationalized, she couldn't make it far through a school publisher. She gets fifty soft-cover copies, badly illustrated, and that's that. I'm very competative, and to see another writer my age succeeding who I didn't think would, pissed me off.

I've considered myself above a lot of writers my age when I began looking for a literary agent. I loved the attention I got from teachers I respected. I loved the admiration that someone so young was going so far. I wanted to be that kid.

But, I realized that my book was not what I wanted it to be. It was not as good as it should be. So I decided to rewrite it based on a very strict scheduale. That scheduale failed, and I've been seriously stressed out since.

I realized as I sat in the bookstore that writing, which had once been like breathing fresh oxygen in a very polluted city, had become something I didn't like. It had turned into forcing smoke into my lungs when it refused to go. So I quit. I figured if I took time to myself I would be able to write much more smoothly. I painted my basement. Spent time with people. Thought about my books without writing anything.

Then as I sat in the bookstore, I realized that I needed to write. It's what I was born to do. But forcing myself to write was wringing the fun out of it and making me miserable. I needed to stop forcing it.

I quickly realized the source of the stress was from my DESPERATE need to get published. It had gone from a dream to an obsession. That needed to end.

I realized that I need to let go. If The Underground becomes a YA series, that doesn't make me a bad writer. If I break into the series with a YA series, that's fine. I want to write adult, and one day I will. But if I start in YA, that's fine. I'm published. I'm not here to compete with other writers. As much as I adore the admiration, and how much I crave it, I don't need it. I will have it, I will succeed, but I don't need to succeed this moment. I need to enjoy myself, make my book as perfect as can be, and then present it for representation. I don't need to stress myself out, and have nothing to show for it later.

So I'm letting go. If I want to write The Storyteller, or As Time Runs Out, or The Underground, I will do it. I will write what I want, and enjoy it as I can. I will do what I will, and if I don't get an agent before I graduate, that's okay. I have my entire life to succeed, and write, and work hard on what I love. I don't have to succeed this second.

Ahhh. Beatles.

Oh my god, I can't believe I've never really paid attention to the Beatles before. I've had friend who liked them,. but I never really let myself get into them.

Recently, I dived in head first, and am loving every minute of it.

They're so easy-going, with such happy (most of the time) lyrics. Not to mention, they touch on different subjects like war and do it so well. Of course, there's so many drug innuendos, but what could you expect?

I've been grooving to them for a while now. Only problem is, my characters aren't fans. So, when I try to write to the Beatles, I usually just end up singing, because my characters won't listen to me while the B's are playing.

Oh well. >_>



GAAAAH. The paint for my basement might be completely put off. I might not be painting my basement because nobody told me I was paying for the paint. Sadly, I'm broken as hell at the present moment.


At this rate, I'll never get my dollie. :'(

Writer's Block: 5//7//5

Sum up your day in the form of a haiku.
Stress wrapped in anger.
Can't wait until it's over
Frustrating people.

Rejection bites the big one.

Got rejected again today. On my full manuscript. Sucks balls, it does. Funny, rejected queries make me excited, makes me want to go out of my way to impress the next batch of agents I query. But the full... that one actually hurt. I think it's because it was my heart and soul on the page, and he rejected it in three days. He didn't give any criticism, it was just a quick write off. He mentioned I'm a fantastic writer, but the plot didn't sell him. I don't know if he's lying or not, or if he meant it. I don't really care, either.

So I was really gloomy for most of the afternoon. I was swearing a yelling and getting really mad at Josh for saying stupid things. I even went onto Absolute Write and vented all my feelings, and got wonderful responses. It really lifted me up.

I'm going to get back on the horse, starting tomorrow. I can get a million nos, but all I need is one yes. :D Fuck Mr haughty agent. I bet he didn't even read my book. Starting tomorrow, thirty more queries are going out. Writing is about imagination and the stubbornness to keep going. So I am going to keep going. One rejection can't stop me, no matter how impersonal and crude.

If I give up now, people will never be able to read my brilliance. XD

Writers, never stop writing.



Otafest was BLOODY EPIC!!!

Ah, a wonderful con yet again. I went as Emil from TOS2, and Josh went as LLoyd, and we had a blast. Before we even got ourselves oriented, we were getting pictures taken. We hung out with an Alice and Richter, and then later a Deces. It was great to see so many TOS characters there. We got so many pictures taken; I think people really loved the sword. x3 I will have to post pictures when I get the chance.

Also, JOHNNY YONG BOSCH WAS THERE!! I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. I got him to sign my Emil sword, which was so cool. I also got him to say "I love Richter" in his Emil voice, which will be going all over Youtube. Mwahahahahaha....

We played anime chess, went to the last year of Battle Action RPG (:'() as well as entered the cosplay contest, the AMV contest, and went to a bunch of Johnny's pannels. I'm proud to say I spent five hundred dollars on that con, buying things like all of Trigun, all of Chrono Crusade, as well as many other goodies. Although now I'm broke, which isn't cool. >___>

I will be posting pictures when my camera works. I just need to get it to hook up to my computer.

Mwahahahahaha. Much lovelies for me. >:F


I got my first request for my full manuscript today. A Mr Jim McCarthy will hopefully be representing me!!!

WIsh me luck! ^____^



Rating: M

Summary: In the end, Roxas finds there is no 'cure.'

Pairing: Axel/Roxas, mentioned Sora/Kairi

Warning: AU, self-mutilation, suicide, character death, drug abuse, probable horrible OOCness that many will not agree with, boyxboy love, general DARKness.

A/N: This is a strange project that lasted a lot longer than I thought it would. It is very dark, which is probably because I’m a dark person at heart. This is the first submission that I have to the KH section, but hopefully not my last. I understand that some of the characters here may be considered out of character, and for that I apologize. I wrote them as best as I could in the situation that I had to put them in. Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to leave your comments.

C&C appreciated.



Rinse: Part OneCollapse )


Latest Month

November 2009


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Teresa Jones